Home…

I went home to my parents house last week… it was a six hour drive from here.  I always enjoy that drive, although there isn’t much to look at along the way, but, still I get time all to myself to just think.  And think I did.   I went home for three reasons.  One, because I miss my mom a lot,  she is my best friend and I never get enough time with her.  Two, because I have decided to move back to the the town I grew up in and I was on a quest to find an apartment.  Three, to see Stan.

I found an apartment the first day of hunting… it was the very last one I looked at and I really love it.  It’s much bigger than where I am now and the rent is much cheaper.  I signed a 12 month lease and I am really looking forward to moving into the place I will call home.  I am also looking forward to being back in my home town.  I never thought that I would ever hear myself utter those words because growing up I always said I could not wait to leave there.  But, I miss the comforts of home,  now more than ever.   I may have a job waiting for me when I get back, if all goes well.  It just feels right….. for now. 

  Mom and I had a great visit too, we are closer than ever and we both need that. We have missed out on a lot of years, not that I regret it, I had a life and family of my own.  My ex packed me and the boys up and moved us here when he was hired right out of college.  It was all new and exciting at the time.  Our boys were so young though and they really never got to experience growing up around extended family the way I did.  I was so close to my grandmother.  But, my mom has made every effort to see them and spend time with them as much as possible over the years.  And I used to drive them down to visit every summer, until they became teenagers that is.  Thier father never wanted to go back even though he grew up there as well, his parents still live there and he never visits.  They always come here to visit.  I think it’s a shame really that he can’t make the effort… and in doing so he has really deprived our children of a relationship with his parents, thier grandparents.   I couldn’t exactly justify making them go visit if thier own father wouldn’t.   I am hoping that this move will not only benefit me, but, maybe even bring my kids a little closer to thier grandparents, since they will be visiting me during summers and holidays.  They are all so grown up now,  hopefully its not too late.

I spent a little time with Stan while there.  Stan and I know eachother from high school and reconnected recently on Facebook.  We see each other from time to time… and soon we are going to be seeing each other a lot more.  I wonder if that will change things… sometimes the distance can be so much more exciting and mysterious.  He is currently seperated and although I like him a lot,  I am moving very slowly and cautiously.  I have enough baggage of my own and I really don’t want to be mixed up in someone elses.  Besides, I am no where near ready for anything serious with anyone.  He’s been a good friend though and I am glad that I will have someone to spend time with while I get settled.  He is very sweet, funny, caring,  helpful, and fun to be around….  I like that… and need that.

 So… anyway, I am moving back home and I am feeling pretty good about it.. hopeful even.

Where One Story Ends…Another Begins

I spent the day with my kids yesterday…we went to see a movie and had dinner.  Spending time with them makes me happy and sad at the same time.   Happy to see their smiling faces, to get a big hug from each, to hear them laugh and cut up.  Sad that I can’t be there to enjoy all these things everyday anymore.  They chose to stay with their father when I chose to leave him.  They are boys and practically grown boys at that, at ages 21 and 18!   So I don’t blame them at all.  But, their father does have a drinking problem, which destroyed our marriage and I do worry that he will destroy his relationship with his boys too, especially now that the “buffer”… that would be me…. is no longer there.  But, there is nothing I can do about it.  They made their choice, and like I said, I don’t blame them.

We had a great day together and then it was time to say goodbye.  More big hugs and a little twinge of pain.  When I got home I was so emotionally exhausted I just sat down in my chair and didn’t move for a while…in a the dimly lit room, no tv, no radio, just quiet.   Then I start dwelling.   Dwelling on the past.. things I could have done differently…things I should have done.   I start missing my old life, my family, my house.   I start wondering if maybe, just maybe my ex and I could make things work again.   And then I start missing him.  And I cry.  I know all it would take from me would be one phone call and I could be back there.

What? NO!  I snap myself out of it by reminding myself of why I left in the first place!  Why would I want to go back to that?  A life where I had to deal with his constant mood swings, his verbal abuse, his rants and rampages, his possessiveness, his constant need to control everything… especially me. No.. I don’t miss that!

He suffocated the life right out of me, and I finally broke free.  It’s not really him I miss, not the him that he came to be anyway.  It’s more the idea of him, and the good times with him, that I miss.  We did have some good years.  And I always saw us growing old together, until the last few years,  and then all I could see was a lifetime of dealing with a drunk.  And part of me died in those last few years, because in reality, my husband… the man I loved… the man I married… the love of my life….my best friend… left me…. and in his place this stranger came to be.   And I couldn’t live with that any longer.

So.. sitting there crying  and missing him.. I started to get angry with myself.   But, then I realized it’s ok to miss him… he was a huge part of my life for 22 years.. we practically grew up together.  We have been through a lot of good,  and bad times….we made two beautiful boys that we can both be proud of… we did something completely right there….

It’s ok to mourn the loss of what once was.

And just for the record…. things seem to be going ok over there with my ex and our boys.   According  to them, he is rarely home.. works all day and then goes out with coworkers after… and when he is home he keeps to himself a lot.  But, occasionally they do have dinner together or go to a movie… or sometimes just sit and chat like we all used to.  I’m thankful that, although it’s not ideal,  there doesn’t seem to be any of the chaos that there was when I was there and I am also thankful that my sons can pretty much take care of themselves… otherwise I could have never left… They became the main reason I hung in there  for as long as I did.

I’m ready to move on now.  I will always have my boys in my life and that makes me very happy… But, things can’t ever be like they were before the chaos… and that’s ok… that is a story of my life that is now over…. time for the next one.

I can’t wait to see what happens….

Mister S

Mmmm sexy Mister S….. you know exactly what you do to me.   You smile and my knees get weak.  You kiss me and I’m immediately wet.   You hold me in your arms and I melt… the smell of you… the taste of you… the feel of you hard against me.  I am like an addict needing a fix.  You know I can’t say no.. I won’t say no.   When I get that text saying  “What are you up to tonight”  I know I am in for a treat!   I absolutely love fucking  you.  The time we spend together is always wonderful….talking,  laughing, playing,  exploring… cumming…over and over.   Neither of us expecting or wanting anything more.  We have an understanding, we have a bond, we are there to meet each others needs.  We get lost in a world all our own for a little while and it makes us happy.

You have made this transition so much more bearable…

Gregory

He posted something on my Facebook wall this morning,  like he does most mornings.  This time he said “Missing my Redhead”  He always says something really sweet.  He is really sweet.  He treats me like every woman wants and should be treated.  He respects me, accepts and loves me just the way I am.  He says I am the most beautiful woman he knows, and that he loves everything about me.   He rubs my feet, just because.  He sends me little love notes or texts throughout the day to see how I am and let me know he’s thinking of me.  He makes me smile and laugh.  He cooks!  He doesn’t make a lot of money, but, he works hard.  Takes care of his elderly mom, which I find highly admirable and shows so much about his nurturing and giving character.  He always makes sure I am completely satisfied in bed.. first.  He likes taking care of me.   He’s handsome in a boyish sort of way…he’s every woman’s dream, really.. and he wants to marry me.

Marry me?!  Ok he hasn’t actually proposed, thank God!!   But, he talks about it often.   I just got a divorce after a 20 year marriage!  Every time he brings it up…even in a joking, dreaming, far in the future kind of way.. I feel myself wanting to run for the hills.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed being married for the the first half of my marriage.   Apart from a few bumps which we were able to get over together… the first 10 years were the happiest of my life.  Then it all went to hell.   The thought of entering into a life with anyone at this point makes me feel anxious and annoyed.   I just can’t even think that far ahead.  I can’t even think past today.  And honestly, I don’t want to.

We have been friends for almost two years now.  I met him while I was still married and apart from a little flirting, it never went anywhere physical until after my divorce.  He was there when I needed a friend really badly and I’m not sure where I would be without him.    But, we have only been lovers for a few months….so, why is it that Gregory can’t just be happy with the way things are right now? Instead of wanting and even pushing for more?   I am.  I enjoy his company very much.  But, at the end of the day or after breakfast the next day… I want my own space, my own life.   I think part of it is just a man’s natural desire to claim and own.  That’s the reason I think he feels the need to post these things on my Facebook wall… so all can see.   All I know, is that as much as I care for him, and I really do… I don’t think I will be able to do this much longer if he continues to push.  The hardest part will be telling him.

The Golden Nugget…

He told me tonight that I have the “golden nugget”.   When I laughed he asked me if I know what that means.  I said no, so  he continued to explain to me that it means I have all the qualities that make me desirable to every man.   I just smiled and looked away.

His name is Stan, he’s a cop and he is my newest lover…. he claims,  after only two weeks that he is falling for me.   But, they all say that.

I’m trying to figure out how I feel about him, the others, myself.  Hopefully I can find my way through writing it all down.